We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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