I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
