If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
