At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
