You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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