The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
