OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
