you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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