Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
