He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
They have beer where we have blood.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
