We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
