All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
third nipple confirmed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
