If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
