lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
