She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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