I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
