I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
