That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
