You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
