your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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