This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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