You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
