Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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