Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
