I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
