You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
