first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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