I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
