The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
