his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
