So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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