Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
