The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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