I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
