I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
