I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize