Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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