Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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