i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
