The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Blood and glitter go together right?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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