just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
