Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
