i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
