You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
