Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
