How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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