All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
