Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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