i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
