i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
