she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am naked and annoyed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
