I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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