i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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