if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
