A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
