if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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