some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
