Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize