did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
