so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
