How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
