watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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