You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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